Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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