If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
