Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
