The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
