You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
