Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
