barbara walters just said penis...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
