I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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