sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
