i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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