tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Im part way to drunk.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
