im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
