just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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