I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
