If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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