even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
