thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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