She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
