highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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