im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
