I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
