I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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