my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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