I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
