Im at strip club and am horny
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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