I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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