we have pet lesbian snakes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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