you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
