We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize