She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
