and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
