So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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