We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
