Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
