it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When are your genitals available?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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