god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
