I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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