I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize