I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
