I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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