Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
