if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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