Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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