I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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