Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
