How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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