Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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