He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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