He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
