I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
