I looked at my own cervix.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
