you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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