i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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