My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
