Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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