chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
