Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
