I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
