Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
