Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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