Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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